Today I went to get some bloodwork done, and then headed down for a chest X-ray, all to investigate a troubling dry cough I’ve had over the past week.
By: Robin Harry
Never have I wanted more for déjà vu to be just a glitch in the Matrix…
The cough could be anything. It could be nothing. It could be lung scarring from the radiation. It could be an allergy that came out of nowhere. What I don’t want it to be, and and what it very well could be, is a relapse.
I can’t quite put my finger on the emotion. I’m not scared, really, but I’m a little more than concerned. Apprehensive, maybe. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, but as I walked past the chemotherapy unit on my way for bloodwork, all I could think is, “I don’t want to do this again.” Not this soon, anyway.. Not before my fingernails have even completely cleared up. Not as my hair has just started growing back. Not a week before I leave for a much needed vacation. Not now. My concern isn’t whether or not I could get through the whole process; people can do anything given a lack of alternatives. My point is – I don’t want to.
This whole experience is just a classic example of what life after cancer treatment is like. Cancer’s never gone, not in the truest sense of the word. It’s always there, lurking, hovering, poking at any sense of security that I might ever develop. I’ll never be able to say to myself, “I’m sure it’s nothing”, because I’ll never be that sure. It’s just one of those things that I’m going to have to live with. Part of the lymphoma package.
Anyways, we’ll see what happens. I see my doc on Friday, so she’ll have some answers for me then. In the meantime, all I can do is relax and pray 🙂